Nora is the light of my universe. But my first two yrs as a Mother with her, were the hardest of my life. My fears of putting another baby through what Nora went through horrified me to my core. I struggled with postpartum depression that led into a major depression. I won't go into detail about our suffering, first because I don't want to just remember the bad. Because as much as it was hard and sometimes down right awful, some days and moments with Nora will be etched in history (my history) as the most wonderful, beautiful, happy days of my life. Secondly this story is not about my past. It is about how my birth healed me as a mother.
By some beautiful divinely orchestrated series of events, my family was getting their wish to move to Arizona years before we thought it possible. I would not be left alone to raise two children. I would in fact be living in the home of my sister in law.
The months proceeding Ronny's arrival were beautiful, Nora and I had a new birth of our relationship. The last remnants of the veil of my depression slipped effortlessly away. I could finally basque in Nora's radiant light, that I could only see and imagine how it felt before.
The time was nearing my mother and sister arrived. My sister left... Ronny still wasn't here. My Grandfather was on his death bed. So my mother left to Missouri. Then came back. Then my sweet grandfather passed away, so she carpooled with my Uncles back to Missouri. I was at this point 40wks 3 days. We had a tough parting realizing she may miss the birth. In fact she wasn't sure she was going to leave with my uncles, until about 5 minutes before we arrived where they were staying. We had decided to pray. The answer that came clear as a bell to my head was " The decision made in Faith is the right one" So the decision to stay was based off of the fear I might have the baby without my Mom being there. The decision made in Faith was to go to the funeral, It was for sure the right decision. At that moment I had an opportunity to recenter. Because I kept worrying about how all of this birthing "madness" going to work out. I was already severely grieved that Rachael wasn't going to be there. But I too had to remember Faith. God has never not taken care of me. Why would he stop now? But.. My strength once again started to fail me, and I started worrying my brains out... Thus our story begins:
March 18th, 41wks pregnant, 11pm, in the bathtub crying my eyes out to my mom:
" I don't want to be induced! I paid $3200 to birth my baby in that stinkin' birth center. How can they say that he is exactly 42wks?? They are going to force me to do something I don't want to do. It's EVIL!! I want Ronny to choose his own birthday. It's awful! It's EVIL!"
March 19th, sometime around 3am, asleep in my bed:
I was in a compound full of tamed elephants and lions. One specific lion kept trying to come up to me. Before he could get too close I would go to a kitchen ( dreams are weird.. a kitchen was right by the compound..) climb up on the very top of the cupboards and wait for the lion to go away. I fit up there like a little girl, I felt small, I felt afraid. On one of the occasions friends followed the Lion into the kitchen, handed me an arrangement of wilted but beautiful flowers.
"It's ok." my friend said. The lion climbed up to me on the cupboard, and burrowed his huge head into my chest. I massaged his big ears and felt my heart heal, I was flooded with love and courage. I woke up to my first contraction.
3:00 am these were familiar, these were the real ones. Menstrual cramp feeling, with a rise and a fall. They were even consistent too, happening every 5-7mins. I was already needing to vocalize through them. But I decided to hold off for a half hour, before I called the midwife. Sure enough 45min later they were coming steady and consistently. I woke up Paul and told him, that I think we are really down to business this time! I had similar surges happen on Monday but they had faded away. The midwife on call that morning was Amy. I LOVE Amy, I started to cry when she answered the phone. It was comforting to hear her voice, and it was the start of the relief that this was finally happening. We had decided to leave fairly soon even though the contractions weren't as close together as they usually like. I live out in the middle of nowhere, in a city called Maricopa. It's 45mins away from the birthing center. A few other factors like the intensity of the surge, it was raining, and morning traffic, all contributed to that decision.
It was a beautiful morning. I still couldn't kick the feeling that we were getting worked up for nothing. But my mom and Paul were so reassuring. That wall of doubt was slowly starting to fall and I was starting to let myself feel some relief. My eyes would well up with tears thinking that this was finally happening!
On arrival to the birth center I perused the place, feeling out my space, I looked in the fridge, which was heftily stocked with coconut water, (good thing because it was the only form of substance I wanted.) the cupboards, and made a final decision on the room I wanted to settle into. Initially I had envisioned birthing in the "Brown Room" But decided that the "White Room"'s tub was more suitable for my size and height.
I did most the labor on the bed draped over a peanut ball on the bed. In the beginning I straddled the ball on my side. But it soon became uncomfortable to lay down. The surges were super huge and intense the whole time. I was barely able to get on top of them. I got in the tub about 3 hours after arriving, but didn't stay in there long. It hurt my knees to kneel and Paul was too far away. It was really cool looking though, there were jets and lights that changed colors in the water, it even had a chandelier over it. I started to get overheated, nauseated, and really light headed. So I got out, and went back to the bed. But while in the tub there was a super still moment, where it was just me, my doula, and midwife in the room. I was feeling overwhelmed and ashamed that I was already so tired. Then "Be still my soul" started to play. Everyone went quiet at once and that sweet verse " Be still my soul, the waves and winds still know, the voice who ruled them, while he dwelt below" It was such a sweet message straight from heaven. I wasn't alone in this.
On the bed labor picked up a lot. I started getting lost, started feeling the weight of discouragement building up. I was falling victim to the seemingly endless, and painful surges. My heart felt broken, this feeling was beyond words to express. I believe this emotional place is called rock bottom. I needed Eva Cassidy, she could sing my pain. So I requested that they put on Eva Cassidy's cover of "Tall Trees in Georgia" and "I Know You by Heart". I grieved. The tears spilt, and they spilt deeply. I grieved for the pain I had caused my family with my "days of darkness" struggling with postpartum depression. Especially the damage done to my Nora. I grieved about the loneliness I felt, I grieved about my fear of bringing another beautiful soul here and putting him through the same pain. I grieved because I lost heart in my capability to meet another surge. But when the tears had purged and dried up, my heart was flooded with love and courage, as I remembered the love I had for this baby. For my "Lion Heart". That as I'm to be a brave and powerful mentor in his life, so it begins now as I bring him bravely and courageously into this world. I told him " I love you baby, I'm here, It's alright. You will be safe, Mommy is here to guide you bravely here." I got back on top of the wave, the pain lessoned, the intensity stayed, and a warrior was born. I roared like a lion and I birthed like a warrior goddess. My movements were sexual and loud. Graceful and intense. The phrase I just kept saying was "You are a warrior, I can do this." I would say it out loud and in my mind. I said it for hours.
I can't pin point the moment now, but I believe it was right after I had hit rock bottom, my husband was lying in front of me tears flowing down his cheeks. He was soundless, silently crying, looking me straight in the eyes. He was beyond words. We just sat there and cried into each others eyes. My husband keeps his emotions very well. He does not let himself become vulnerable very rarely. Our hearts in this moment were as raw, open, and vulnerable as they have ever been. We saw deeper into each others souls than we ever had before. I wiped away his tears and kissed his cheeks. His precious face is burned into my mind, and my heart.
In my last labor, I was able to drape over my inflatable pool and I was literally so comfortable and relaxed between surges, I would sleep. I had never been so tired during this last labor, I remember just looking around aimlessly and saying " I want to sleep, I want to sleep, I wish I could sleep." I also said " I wish I could puke". At which point they brought out the peppermint oil, and some homeopathic nausea tablets that really seemed to help. There was a student midwife there though that was a little too earnest about the peppermint. She kept obnoxiously close to my face with it, and would follow my head around as I was trying to get away from her hand. I'm not one to flat out yell at someone so I just as politely as I could requested that we put the peppermint on my neck and chest. Soon after this the bed had become the most terribly uncomfortable place imaginable and the pool was not at all an option, so I headed to the toilet. I straddled it backwards and put a pillow on the back. It was super nice to put my head down. But my arms were SO heavy. It hurt to just let them hang so I had Paul sit behind me and hold my arms. I would lean my head back on to his shoulder/chest area and he would snuzzle me with his cheek and nose. I would feel his sweet tears on fall on my chest. This labor was like I was in the middle of a tornado. It felt like it was trying to rip me to shreds. But as long as Paul was there I didn't get torn away. He was my rock. He was everything.
The labor had stayed consistently the same intensity until I got on the toilet. It picked up, it was transition time. These contractions were HUGE. And I gyrated on that toilet like I was going to town. But it was the only thing that felt right, that kept me in control. It was LOUD, both in volume and movement. The midwives said to come back to the bed when I started feeling the need to push. I felt like I had been pushing for a while before they said that, in fact I'm pretty sure I yelled " I'm pushing!! I'm pushing!!". They guided me back to the bed, when I got on the bed I didn't stay there long, I felt like I need to get in the tub. I looked at Paul and said " I NEED you in there with me." He said he almost got in clothes and all! He said " Ok, do you want me to get in there now?!" I giggled and told him to put on his swim shorts first. But the way I said it, and felt when I said it was urgent and insistent. The thought of him being anywhere but right next to me was horrifying.
In that tub was some of the biggest feelings I've ever had in my life. I got in, sat down and leaned back on the side of the tub with Paul in front of me. I did about two contractions here. It did not feel good. It was on my back where I didn't notice but my focus was starting to drift. My doula came and put her hand right on my chest. It brought me right back, it calmed me so quickly. It was so powerful that simple touch. Anyhow I really started needing to get off my back but it felt impossible to switch positions. Somehow I gathered strength, and got up on my knees. During another surge I put my knees on top of Paul's, he held on to my back I held on to his shoulders, and I gyrated my hips smoothing back and forth, roaring like a lion. I don't know how many we did this way. But when my phrase was constant in my mind " I AM A WARRIOR. I CAN DO THIS."
Amid a small break between contractions, everyone started talking about the poop floating in the water... Note to all Husbands, Mothers, and birth attendees, don't talk about poop when a mother is birthing. Be poop ninjas! Be silent and quick. They don't need to know it was even there.
Anyhow.. My midwife talked to me briefly and said on the next one try to focus that energy down. I said " what do you mean?" she said "never mind." but then I understood. My vocal tones were rising instead of falling, and I wasn't bearing completely down into my push, I was being apprehensive. I kept feeling up my vagina, I could feel Ronnie's head getting super close. A little more than a fingers length away. But I could still feel the bag of waters soft and bulging on his head. But after my midwifes wise observation and instructions, it wasn't many surges later that the sack popped. I was super relieved when it popped, but didn't anticipate that within two pushes I would be crowning and having a baby! Nora's waters broke and three hours later she was born.. So you can imagine my surprise when I said " There's burning! I feel burning!!."
I slowly guided his head out, the burning was so intense and his head seemed to never end. "He is coming Paul! He is almost here!" I said super excitedly through another big surge.
"The head is born!" I felt his sweet little ear, and his soft hair, then I realized I was not at all balance and would not be able to catch him when he came out. I looked at Paul and said " You are going to have to catch him, I don't have balance." He was shocked, but instantly put his hands under me and received our baby. It's super fun to hear this part from his perspective. He says " I don't know what I was feeling.. It was just HUGE! I couldn't believe that came out of you!"
When we pulled Ronnie out of the water he was bright purple and wiggling. He had his chord around his neck. The midwife calmly and quickly unwrapped the chord, placed him on my chest. I rubbed his back and he gave out the sweetest cry I've ever heard! He pinked right up. I just kept saying " I can't believe its over!!"
asked paul to bring him up
3rd push out
chord around the neck
beautiful cry
looked around for two hours
felt let down
felt like i wanted to leave
felt disconnect with baby
healed from motherhood
days following healed from birth
easier post partum
placenta smoothies
testimony
I think in heaven our souls manifest in songs, we hear each others songs. When we come here music is innately familiar. I think because heaven is filled with it.
