This pregnancy has some mild challenges. But the hardest was working through emotional fears I had never had before. I had been on a restrictive diet the year before getting pregnant and had lost 35lbs. My hope was to rid myself of my sugar addiction. So when I started eating it again I wouldn’t over do it. Well that didn’t work. I stopped the diet 3mo into my pregnancy and it went completely the other way. I gained weight quickly. I was already feeling upset about the weight gain. When my midwives started feeling worried about it too. They started planting seeds of fear. Fear of having a big baby and it getting “stuck”. I know their intention were to help me make better eating choices. That maybe if I could think of the baby it would help me control my eating habits... well it would help for a while. I would plateau my weight for a month then I would gain 5lbs. Feel guilty and scared, go all crazy, plateau my weight for a month then gain 5lbs in one week.. I have had 4 babies. All but one over 8lbs, 1 9.6lbs. Never had torn. My biggest baby was only “stuck” because he was posterior with a short chord. I still got him out without tearing. I started my weight at a smaller weight I had been in years. But with all my babies I cook them with my weight being around 200lbs. No matter my starting weight. But all I could hear was their small comments “ So and so had 10 kids, the last one should have slid out, because the baby was big she had a hard labor.” “ come to find out mom had drank nesquick every night before bed, she had a big baby, the labor was hard” ( I wish that was my only problem...) “if it helps you eat better, the bigger the baby the more uncomfortable it is for them to be born.” It tormented me. It caused super disordered eating. The guilt and fear was so terrible. If I had a hard labor, it was my fault. I made my baby big. I’m putting my baby in danger. I didn’t care that I was fat, I get fat every time! What was unfair was the self loathing I felt for putting my baby at risk. Well hard labors happen with all sizes of babies. And a lot of big babies are born easily. The added fear and shame was not needed. All that being said. I love the midwife that has now labored with me to bring two of my babies here. She loves me, and is sincere, wise, skilled, and understanding. And the last few weeks I refused to weigh myself, and told her it was throwing me off and causing me a lot of fear. She understood and did her best to support me and help me regain some confidence. My confidence in all actuality was lost. I’m not sure it will ever completely come back. It feels really tragic seeing as I had birthed 4 humans and my confidence was not even a question. I was a confident powerful birther. I’m only giving you this preface however, to help you understand my state of mind. So you can clearly and powerfully see the loving hand of God in the transpiring events.
Let’s start back last week. I was able to schedule a session appt. at the Phoenix Arizona Temple. Driving to the temple, my heart heavy with the above feelings of fear, guilt, and shame. Praying to few comfort, I felt prompted to listen to that weeks lesson in Come Follow Me. I believe it was a cross referenced talk with the lesson, anyhow it stated something of the likes “ when you honor your covenants made in the Temple you are entitled to his protection.” It came with overwhelming force into my heart. I felt the truth of that. It was an immense comfort to me.
The day of Sammy’s birth was so special. My mom was in town and we went to the Mesa Temple open house, it had been closed for two years. I was feeling afraid of the unknown. I was scared of how this birth was going to go. Feeling very very vulnerable. So we started walking through and turned a corner down by the baptismal font, and there directly in front of me was a painting of the nativity. Everyone was looking down at baby Jesus, being held in Mary’s arms. But she was looking directly into the viewers eyes. Into my eyes. I felt her say to me. You are not alone, even the mother of God has been through this. And all mothers before you. The love and courage I felt were overwhelming. It was one of the more sacred moments of my life. She spoke to me. The next was a painting of one of the mothers of the “2,000” stripping warriors. The painting was titled “Thier mothers knew it.” This brought me to tears again. As I remembered the trust and love God has for me. Sending me my precious children. And this little one was no different.
After the temple I went to an appointment with Dianne, who was a close associate and friend of my midwife Mary. They have worked together for years. Dianne had traveled all around the world delivering babies and had gathered knowledge from all over how to naturally and safely induce labor. I was 39wks and thought “heck yes.” She combined all this knowledge, using oils, acupuncture, and perennial massage. She told my midwife that once that babie hit my cervix she was going to slide right out. To be ready and not longer. Her success rate was 8/10. I started labor 2hrs later.
I started labor, and was lying down in my bed. Doing my breathing. The our little Doxy Ellie, came and shaped her little body perfectly around my tummy. She was so warm and knew right where it hurt. Such a sweet little love. She always knows. Anyhow I was in the beginnings of labor, so Paul asked if he could run to Home Depot real quick. I told him sure! because I thought I definitely had a few hours ahead of me, before we would even leave to the birth center. But not even 15min later. I called him and told him to turn around. My mom was like are you sure? You don’t seem to be in active labor?? Haha I was sure!! Paul hot home and little Ronnie looked up at me and said “are you going to be alright??” He was so worried. “Is it going to hurt?” I told him “ yes, but it’s ok your mommy is strong, and it is a natural thing.” Sweet little boy. I was scared.
We got to the birth center and I wanted to get right in the tub. While that was happening, these people came in a rush! Their baby was being born now! Daddy went outside to get the camera and missed the baby being born! They said she stepped to go into the tub and the baby slid out!! Not even 20min after that 30min after we had gotten to the birth center, Sammy came flying out herself. Although she took a little more work. I pushed for only a few minutes, but VERY hard.
I looked at Mary and said “how long am I going to do this” she just raised her eyebrows and looked away.. haha very comforting! We were on the toilet at this time, and she told the midwife assistant to grab the birth chair and that when the water broke my husband was to lift me off and put me on the birth chair directly in front of me ASAP. She said “ are you ready?!” My waters burst and she said “Now!” She lifted me on and I bore down. “The heads out! Push!” And then her little shoulders too.
Our beautiful Sammy. She came charging out and she has not slowed down. Crawling at 5 months, walking at 9months. She is ferocious and sweet. She is the love of all our hearts.
